You want the truth?

That headline is really drawing you in isn't it?

It's ok, I wouldn't blame you if you clicked over to a different blog now. Really, I'd be sad and I would stare after you with my lower lip trembling, but could I blame you? Me, of the posts few and far between?

Right now I am attempting to define what I want this space to be. As an aspiring journalist (I probably shouldn't have said that lol) there are many things I must be weary of when creating a personal space online in regards to conflicts of interest. That being said there is also the issue of anonymity, as well as the issue of what type of writing I'd like to do here. Personal information and stories, commentary on social events? What am I wanting to say? Do I use this blog as a means to further my career, as a way of showcasing my writing? Do I list it in my resume?

My journalism ethics class is really sending me for a loop with this blogging issue as well. Last week I learned that the Internet will ruin my life, but that is a post for another day. (Seriously, I'm writing that post up now to publish another day)

A black cloud

The events of the last week are weighing heavily on me. I see many of the other students in my journalism classes who are bursting at the seams with talent and I feel despair creep over me. I follow the photojournalism blogs of fellow classmates and salvate with envy over the quality of their photography. I let it convince me that they will oust me in the shrinking world of journalism.

I don't even want to be a photojournalist.

Yet when I see their photos all glossy and sharp it makes me feel that my writing is dim in comparison. I feel as if I am watching the 1 dream of my life unravel before me.

But I wonder if I am pulling the threads myself?

I lost a notebook this week which held all of my notes for multiple classes this semester. I feel completly lost without it. I worry how I will study for upcoming quizzes and exams, how I will write essays. It was one of the many happenings this week that have sent me into a spiral of self doubt and depression.

Like many people, I am wishing a door would open somewhere and allow me to escape. I am ashamed to admit that I have also been silently spitting envy and poision at those around me blessed with great opportunities, wishing they were mine.

My mass of shoes will surely clobber me to death in my sleep one day

I think it should be noted that sometime last week I went through my shoe collection and pulled out 8 pairs to be donated to charity, leaving me with .... 57 pairs of shoes.

Holy cow!

This number doesn't even include the container of boots that I have under my bed, which would add I think four or five more pairs to the number... That's over 60 pairs of shoes! Is that too many?

I also found that I have 31 sweaters (cardigans and zip up hoodies). I could wear a different one every day of the month! Yet instead I alternate regularly between the same 10 cardigans and the same 2 zip ups. I do of course wear the others, but they are colors and styles that don't pop up often when I'm getting dressed. Brown, or grey, or more formal for example.

I always ask myself a few key questions to help decide whether an item stays or goes.
1) Do I like this/ Is this item my style?
2) Have I worn this in the last week?
3) Have I worn this in the last month?
4) Can I think of at least 4 times I have worn this item?
5) Does this fit?
6) Is this item in good condition?

BUT I'm horrible at sticking to "the rules." Especially when it means I'd have to give away the black motorcycle style zip up sweater from Urban Outfitters that I had forgotten I owned!

Questions 2, 3, and 4 don't apply to items you "re-discover" right?

Apparently I need to shop my closet more often because there is some great stuff in there!

How many shoes is too many?

Ok, so that was a longer hiatus than I intended but I'm here again! My blogging philosophy is definitely shaping up to be "less is more." Maybe this is something only I have experienced, but a lot of the time when I have the desire to write here(maybe even something to say) I get to the empty box on the post page and I lose everything!

Baby steps I guess.

I have a short break from classes which will hopefully allow me to tackle some projects at home such as organizing my closet.

It has gotten to the point where I am stacking pairs of shoes on top of each other. Shoes are everywhere in my room. In a behind the door hanger, a hanging shoe shelf in the closet, a two level shoe rack, the floor, under the bed, on the upper closet shelves, everywhere! When I moved in my two roommates (both males at the time) were flabbergasted at the fact that I had about 40 pairs of shoes. I think I have probably hit the 50 mark...


Am I the only one who really struggles to get rid of shoes? I don't mind having to sort out things in my wardrobe. It's certainly a process and some pieces of clothing are agonized over for a bit, but really I can let (certain) clothes go, but shoes? I believe that since your feet don't change size once you reach a certain age there really is no need to let them go unless they become damaged from excessive wear.

Those gold sequin flats I bought my freshman year in high school: (6 years ago!) I might need them again sometime, plus they are the only shoe that really matches that nude/gold sequin Bebe dress I got on sale 2 years ago!

Those brown suede cowboy boots with the fringe and metal thing on the side that my mom used to wear when she was younger, the ones that are cracking from age in one spot: those are sentimental pieces of art!

That pair of Oh Deer! peep toe black stilettos that pinch my toes and are uncomfortable to even stand in because of how high the stiletto is: they're the shoes I found at a thrift store for 10$ to satisfy my desire to own a pair of heels with a red sole. I WILL get rid of them when I buy some real Christian Luboutains (but that won't be soon!)

Just writing this is really driving home the point that I need to let some shoes go! Oh man, how will I be able to justify my next shoe purchase if I don't? And more importantly where will I put it?

Denial

I'm choosing to blame college for my lack of writing here in this blog.


But really I think that I'm simply to impatient to go through the sign in process on Blogger. Jesus, what a tool I am huh.

"I was a Playboy bunny"

I have been doing a lot of reading over this summer break. A fantastic hobby that it is sad to say I am not always able to indulge in as much as I would like.

However, there hasn't been much writing... The silence on this here blog is evidence enough of that. Although, to give a bit of credit, I have worked on a few (read 2) short story fiction pieces for my "I am a woman" collection. Still the age old mantra is "writers write" and I have been slacking.

I worry constantly about not being a good writer, not making it, not "growing up" to be a writer, a journalist like I had always hoped. But I had an epiphany the other day, an epiphany that I have sadly had before and apparently chose to forget. How will I ever know if I'll make it, or if I'm good enough if I never jump in to begin with? I read somewhere that a writer isn't a writer until they have a pile of rejection letters. That every rejection letter is one step closer to publication. It seems common sense! How can you make the team if you don't try out? Silly me... too afraid of failure to do anything other than sit and wait for something to fall out of the sky.


ON TO THE REAL TOPIC OF THE DAY

Like I was saying; I've been doing some reading...

Currently I'm reading Gloria Steinem's Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions and have stopped 3/4ths of the way through her essay piece titled "I was a playboy bunny" to discuss the Playboy Empire and the debatable genius of Hugh Hefner.

(Gloria Steinem working in a Playboy club as a bunny)

I personally am thinking he is a genius.

Yes, it goes without saying that his treatment of the bunnies working his playboy club was appalling and quite sexist, but business wise you can't argue that Hefner capitalized on a great idea. Selling sex. And wether his multitude of younge, blonde, and busty girlfriends is to bulster his image and thereby his business or simpley for pleasure (a little of both I assume) it works.

Day dreamer

Lately I have been browsing NYC Manhattan craigslist looking at apartments... I am much more partial to quirky little spaces with exposed brick and characteristic moldings. Spaces old with big bright windows overlooking busy city streets or lush city gardens.
I've also been looking at Boston craigslist, Paris craigslist, and London craigslist. I live in California and just last month signed a year long lease for a new apartment.
I don't know what it is but I've been feeling that this is not where I belong. My time to fulfil childhood dreams of waking up in a little apartment on the island of Manhattan is now! The time to explore historic redbrick buildings and cobblestone streets in Boston is now! The chance to sit in a cafe sipping a vintage Merlot in Spain and reflect on the running of the bulls is this day! This is the moment to stand under Big Ben as he strikes 12!
Perhaps I should have moved out to the city rather than "10 mins over the bridge," perhaps then I might be more content, a little less restless. I don't think so. I think the air is different out here on the west coast and for now I've had my fill. I'm craving life, an adventure, more time to write, and many things I can't begin to describe.


On the financial front I have made 2 purchases in the last few days but I am quite confident that they will be investments.

The first I actually went halves on with my boyfriend so I'm only spending about 10$ a month. We got a 3 DVD's at a time subscription to netflix for 17$ plus tax. This is perfect for us because we don't have cable or TV of any kind and there are only so many times you can watch the same movies over and over. Plus a Hollywood video and Blockbuster membership cost around 40$ a month (or 5$ a movie if you forgo the subscription). I don't think this purchase will impede my saving or jeopardize my financial standing right now.

The second thing I purchased was a 1 year subscription (12 issues) to Self magazine and a 1 year subscription (again 12 issues) to Glamour magazine for a combined total of 20$ (plus tax)! I'm a fan of self (most fitness magazines actually) and every time I have hap pend upon Glamour I have enjoyed it so i thought it would be a good deal considering that newsstand price is $4. I love magazines in general and would buy them all if I could but this is a nice/cheap starter. Soon maybe I'll get the subscription to Bitch that I have been wanting for so long. (4 issues for 20$)